Annoying things that couples say to singles…

Funny how “they” say that love will find you when you least expect it. I got bit by the love bug… hard! A couple of months ago I went to Chicago to visit a good girlfriend who moved there over the summer. While there I connected with an old guy friend of mine. I can’t quite put my finger on what changed for me but when I saw him something bubbled up inside me and I instantly knew that there was something there. Little did I know that just a few months later I would be head over heels in love with a man I’ve known for 6 years. Never in a million years would I have thought that my trip to Chicago would lead to me finding love.

I used to be (and still am…) gravely annoyed by my friends who are in relationships that say shit like: “You’ll find love when you least expect it, or when you are not looking for it!” In my brain that was almost the equivalent of running fingernails down a chalkboard. Now after many years of living the “single-life” and having my fair share of horrible dating stories, I can honestly, but begrudgingly say that they were all right. It was at that moment when I literally decided that “I’m done!”, that love decided to waltz into my life.

While I am happy, elated, on cloud nine, there is one thing I absolutely know for sure. No matter how true the aforementioned statement is, I will never utter those dreadful words to my single friends, because in my world, they are right up there with “You are such a great catch, I don’t understand why you are single?”. I don’t know how some people can fix their faces to let these words drop out of it and think that this is a compliment. Let me set the record straight and let it be known that it is NOT! This question, while it may seem like a compliment is one of the biggest insults and most singles I know take this question to mean: “What is wrong with YOU?”

*Climbing down off of soap-box, and back up on cloud nine now*

Willing to relocate...

Five years ago when my friends asked me the hypothetical question “Would you move for love?” My answer was unequivocally a resounding “NO!” before the question could completely leave their lips. I have been living in the Bay Area now for a little over 10 years. I fell in love with this place before I even stepped off the plane. Just flying over the Bay Area, I was captivated by the sheer beauty.

I moved here in my early twenties, and for all intensive purposes, this is where I became an adult. It was here that I landed my first “real job”, bought my first car, went to grad school, earned a masters degree, bought my first piece of property. It was here in good old California that I became a grown-up. Naturally, I have a burning passion for this place. As a native New Yorker there are so many things that I adore and appreciate about the bay. Way beyond the amazing weather, Indian summers, the smell of honeysuckle, and urban eclectic charm, I simply couldn’t imagine living anywhere else. I have also suffered a great deal of heartache and disappointment in relationships here.

Ten years later I have been thinking about this question of “moving for love”... I never thought I would admit this but now having spent the last 4 years of my life single, lonely and borderline depressed, I think, yes, I would move for love. The thought of leaving this place that I am so madly in love with literally makes my chest feel tight as I type this, however, the thought of spending the rest of my life alone is unbearable.

“Wherever you are, there you are.” Someone once uttered those words to me. I wonder is this statement accurate? Yes indeed, one is pretty much stuck with oneself as long as one resides anywhere on this planet, but as one who has a degree in marketing, I understand all to well that it’s about location, location, location. What is it about the beautiful bay area that makes finding a mate such an impossible feat? Furthermore, why does it seem like single women here have to work so much harder to meet a nice guy? It shouldn’t be this damn hard. However, if the odds are stacked against me, perhaps I am in the wrong location to find love, and if that’s the case, hell yeah, I would move for love.

"Emotionally Unavailable" Magnet

I don’t know if I have an invisible sign on my head that reads aforementioned, however it seems for the past 6 or so years the only men I seem to attract are emotionally fucking available. I have to wonder, what is it about me or my character that seems to be attracting this type of individual into my life. Am I myself dare I say “emotionally unavailable”? If I were to be completely honest with myself, I would say that I am perhaps maybe too available. I am one of those “wear my heart on my sleeve” kinda girls… never been one for the games. (Mainly because I honestly do not know how to play them…) So in typical New Yorker fashion, I tend to be “no holds barred”, in-your- face, direct and down to earth! You wanna know what I’m feeling? Don’t worry, I will let you know. Perhaps it is this “attitude” that comes off “threatening” or “intimidating”, but I have to wonder why on earth do I always end up with dudes who are uavailable emotionally? I don’t get it. I don’t understand why do men actively seek relationships, yet they are not available to be in one? (Is "emotionally unavailable" code for "I don't want to be in a relationship with you, but I wouldn't mind sleeping with you from time to time, just so long as you do not pressure me into a relationship?")

After many years of therapy, self-help books and the like, I have tried to figure out the role I play in my failed relationships; after all I am the common denominator no?

What I have learned over the years is that while in theory, no one wants to go through life on this planet alone, the timing may not always be right. In spite of your best intentions of wanting to have someone in your life, for whatever reason the universe wants otherwise for you. I keep trying to tell myself this, however I am not convinced. Maybe one day I will meet someone who is exactly at the same place I am in my journey, emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually.

As I type this the song that is playing in my head is one of my favorites from India Arie, and I will leave you with the lyrics....

I am ready for love

Why are hiding from me?

I’d quickly give my freedom

To be held in your captivity

I am ready for love

All of the joy and the pain

And all the time that it takes

Just to stay in your good grace

Lately I’ve been thinking maybe

you’re not ready for me

Maybe you think I need to learn maturity

They say watch what you ask for

Cuz you might receive

But if you ask me tomorrow

I’ll say the same thing

I am ready for love

Would you please lend me your ear

I promise I won’t complain

I just need you to acknowledge I am here

If you give me half the chance

I’ll prove this to you

I would be patient kind faithful and true

To a man who loves music

A man who loves art

Respects the sprit world

And thinks with his heart

I am ready for love

If you’ll take me in your hand

I will learn what you teach

And do the best that I can

I am ready for love

Here with an offering of

My voice my eyes my soul my mind

Tell me what is enough to prove

that I am ready for love

I am ready.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QFMC1N3L3n4&feature=related

Embracing Singlehood (trying anyway...)

I spent a good part of this year trying desperately to get rid of my “single status” as if it were a disease. I longed to find a partner, to be coupled up, use the term “we” and have someone to check in with before accepting invitations etc… The bay area is “Couple Central”… every where you go you see people hand-in-hand/arm-in arm, or in pairs. I’m constantly reminded of my solitude and even at times feel isolated because I don’t have a “plus 1”. I’m starting to realize here lately that being single does not have to be a death sentence. Since when did getting married have to be the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow? While I would never ever EVER give up on love, I’m starting to realize that being with myself is not such a bad thing. (I actually love my own company, for the record!)

I just received an email from my on-line dating site telling me to check my inbox as someone has just sent me a message. As always with excitement I go to my inbox only to find this message: “u r cute as fuck.” Not knowing exactly how to respond to that, I choose simply to send it to the trash, but it got me thinking… for every one decent email I receive from someone who as actually taken the time to read my profile, I receive about 10 other “cute as fuck” emails. What’s a girl to do?

Call me a defeatist, but I’m starting to realize that although I have attended two successful weddings of dear friends who have met their mates on-line, the on-line thing simply does NOT work for me. My latest suitor helped me realize that while I may be cute as fuck, I need not resort to the virtual meat market to meet my Mr. Right, and maybe just maybe I can make it through the holidays alone again this year.

My little sister has been telling me as long as she could talk that I am “too picky”. I have male friends that tell me that I have “unreasonable expectations” and should consider letting go of some of my “requirements” or deal-breakers. Perhaps they are all right. The older I get the more I am realizing that if I forget about finding a “husband” and just set my intentions on attracting love into my life, then perhaps this whole dating thing would be nearly as daunting and frustrating for me. One thing I am fairly certain about: I am DONE with the on-line dating!

Dating & the City...

Today, Tuesday, September 23, 2008, marks the end of the string of bad dates that I have been on in 2008.  Back in January, I set an “intention” with myself to be engaged by the end of 2008.  (I know that sounds all new agey and shit, but when in San Francisco...)  I told everyone I knew and anyone that would listen that I was single, and available and interested in meeting someone wonderful.  Though my friends had good intentions I was set up on terrible dates with men who could not be farther from my “type”.  I had to question whether my friends really knew me at all.  I took it all in stride, justifying that these experiences will be the makings of good material for the book that I would ultimately write about my bad, yet humorous dating stories.  One by one, the man who was clearly gay who came up to my boobs, or the guy who told me I was too fat (oh I got the email to prove it...), or the guy who did pull-ups on tree limbs during our hike and took me through a rigorous boot-camp afterwards,  or the guy who showed up to our first date wearing track pants, tennis shoes and an over sized grey t-shirt, and finally that man who introduced me to his ex-wife and 12 year old daughter on our first date all made appearances in my world and provided me with endless stories to share. Oh how my friends and family laughed and howled at all of the comedy that was ultimately my sad (and lonely) quest upon finding Mr. Right.

I finally decided enough was enough.  I canceled all of my on-line dating subscriptions (match.com & eharmony.com), and would not even entertain the “I have the perfect person you should meet…” hook-ups from friends looking at me with wild googly eyes.  “I swear this one is normal…” they would protest.  I was done.  DONE.

Months went by and I nearly forgot about one on-line dating site that I remained active (only because it was free…) and came across a rather attractive man.  After a few email exchanges, hours of on-line chatting, and a brief phone call we decided to meet. 

It was the most perfect and lovely first date I have had in years.  I arrived early, so as usual my head was stuck in a book, when I looked up and saw this beautiful man standing over me.  I rose to give him a friendly hug, and could see immediately that he was blushing.  We both ordered the same dish (a fruit plate), and laughed and told stories for nearly an hour.  He offered to walk me to my car, I accepted and we sat and talked some more.  It was just so comforting how easy the conversation flowed.  There were no awkward silences, we laughed easily together, and I could not believe that not only was there mutual chemistry there, there was also an easy friendliness and genuine/honest nature that made being around this guy very nice.  So I am beyond excited and happy, and encouraged that on this day, I met a nice (from what I can tell so far…) “normal” guy, whom I found very attractive.  Regardless of what happens,  I am still delighted in the fact that not every single date I went on in 2008 was material for horror stories which I will tell my children one day, or better yet, end up as a best-seller for single 30-something’s across the US. (Hey a girl can dream...)